The Struggle
It's been a struggle for me lately.
I've had a lot of really great things happening in my life. Don't get me wrong, kids. I'm super grateful for everything that's been going on, the people who are along for the ride, and the abundance of blessings that follow. I'm still elated from the results I've had so far from the 21 Day Fix, and aside from the humidity outside being the equivalent to the amount of water that makes up the Earth, I don't have complaints.
My struggles have been fitness related, mainly: eating well and eating clean.
I tend to participate in a psychological phenomenon called self-handicapping. (Note that the word "handicap" is terrible and it shouldn't be used for a myriad of reasons that I would love to discuss with you some time.) Self-handicapping is in its simplest form participating in behavior that will result in failure to avoid conscious failure. Say what? Basically, being afraid of failing so you set yourself up to fail.
I've been mentally battling with failure. Because of my history with bulimia, my weight has fluctuated rather consistently over the past few years. It's really always been that way. And now that I'm finally seeing real and tangible weight related results, it's almost created a fear in the back of my mind. And with that fear, an onslaught of negative thoughts.
You can't maintain this weight loss anyway. You're just going to gain it back and be back at square one. You're not dedicated enough to stay on this positive path. You'll always be overweight, why bother? You may as well just eat all the carbs you want, you'll never have the body you want or reach the goals you have. You're not a very good coach anyway.
All of these thoughts totally suck! But I've been letting them get my down. Can I say, I hadn't bought desserts and sugary drinks in weeks until this past week and a half? I have good and back days. Some I'm awesome but then stink at night, and others its reverse. I'm trying to stay on track while motivating everyone else, and although I've stuck with workouts, let's be honest. Working out is maybe 30% of your battle - nutrition is the mountain that matters.
Yesterday, I made a conscious effort to go to the Farmer's Market outside of my work before the rest of my errands. I got fresh fruits, veggies, lettuce, and herbs that were all (insert)-icide free. I got fresh seven-grain whole wheat bread from a local farm to make sure that when I do crave that bread-y taste, I have something good to fill it with. I woke up and decided that enough was enough, and that I was going to take yesterday's purchases to make today and the rest of the week healthier days. I had my vegan blueberry wheat muffin and instead of letting it ride like I have been, I marked it on my app that I was done with my yellow containers (carbs) for the day. I spoke to my upline coach about my progress and about this struggle, and she encouraged me to write this post so I am. I want to be held accountable, and I can't do that if I don't post or if I let this struggle deter me.
I want you all to know that fitness isn't a perfect journey. I'm not just saying this to, ya know, make myself feel better (although it's part of it ;P). It's true. These feelings of negativity, self-blame, guilt... they need to go away. Having one bad week won't ruin the rest of my journey or life. I have the ability to pick myself back up and get moving again, which I am doing. I'm cleaning the rest of my house, waiting for boyfriend to bring me a banana to make my Shakeology, and then we're doing Cardio Fix together. I got this, and even though I'm struggling, I know I'll succeed because I have you all as an awesome community.
You're never defeated unless you give up. Don't forget that :) Feel free to reach out on FB @ Curves For Days: Fitness Blog or email me at curvesfordaysfitness@gmail.com. x
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